Two deaths. Two significant deaths have occurred in my world and this morning I was saying that I don't know what I am supposed to feel. I have been saying this a lot lately. Ever since my first husband died in May. He had been sick a few years ago, recovered but then the sickness came back. And 20 minutes before I could get to the hospital to sit w/our son and him, he left. His wife - his beautiful loving wife and kids had been with him all day. His oldest had already booked a flight w/her family to fly out on Mother's Day to spend what they thought would probably be their last time with him. But he couldn't hold on. His oldest son, his and my youngest sat with him and held him at his last breath. And I was there - with the family during those next few days as we all said good-bye. It was hard and awful and sad and I did my best to support our kids and his family and all the while, wondering how do I do this? What am I supposed to feel? I am the former spouse. Do I have a right even to mourn. And there were or might be people wondering why I would be sad...I mean, I divorced him...But I was. I was sad. And also grateful that we had spoken about a month earlier and made peace with each other. And it was such a blessing - a treasure. Something I will be forever grateful for. And I didn't want him to die. I wanted, and still want him to be here for his wife, his kids, the world...because there is a big hole now in the fabric of the universe - of life. I came to an awareness shortly after his death however and it is still something I am wrestling with. I realized I had never mourned the loss of our marriage- our future - our dreams. I knew that unless things changed - we got counseling - did our emotional work - the relationship had to end. And there was sorrow - and pain but that was from the literal act of ending the marriage. It is not easy. And it's not anything anyone should undertake lightly. Although I can't imagine that people do. How could one take it lightly? But it happened and I went on and we all went on living our lives...but I never mourned what didn't come to pass. And it is ok to be sad about that - and sad that things didn't work out when one had so many hopes and dreams - even if they weren't actually practical or realistic maybe. And we continued living. And then a text came from my sister. She told me that my 2nd husband - my friend since our teens - (and should have remained friends - not married but it happened) was in the hospital. I had been told he had melanoma but that apparently was not the issue. Over the next few hours I heard how he had been sick, but gotten better but then had been found by his brother and was taken to the local hospital and it wasn't looking good. I went to see him and to be with my son who had been close to him. Even tho' there had been some hurt feelings. It wasn't the same for my daughter - and didn't have to be. But he had provided for us, he did love us - very deeply and now he was in the hospital and no one seemed to know why. I went and spent a day w/my son - and visiting in the hospital. Maybe two days? I don't actually remember. And my sister came - and our mutual friend who was a steady presence in his life - for many years. And then the stories of what had happened over time were told...and how he got lost but was trying to find his way back to health and wholeness and then this happened. And after a week, we were told he did have a stroke. There was brain damage. But it didn't compute. Especially since he seemed to be deliberately trying to communicate. He even tried to get out of bed. But the dr. said it was all just a reflexive response. But then I was told that when my son walked in his room at one point, his face lit up. I can just see it. It breaks my heart but I do believe he knew that the kid he loved came to be with him. And I went home then came back. But before I came back, I saw a vdieo of him trying to speak. And he even said a sentence. But the dr. said it was a reflex. And then I came back And sat w/him. And tried to get him to respond. But he wouldn't. And now he was DNR. And on morphine. And his nephews and nieces came to see him and say good-bye. And my son sat w/him every day for 2 weeks. And I sat w/him his last night and sang his favorite hymn. And the next morning he was gone. And it broke my heart. And once again, I realized I had not mourned the end of our marriage. The loss of our hopes and dreams. That got buried because I was so angry and having to go through this again - but it's how it worked out. And there were other things I was angry about - and rightfully so but it wasn't a one way street and God my flaws and imperfections did their own damage. Yet after our marriage ended - we stayed friends. Or something. And he even came to my 3rd wedding and visited us and remained close w/my son. Until not. But now I am again saying I don't know how to do this...what am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to feel? Because it's enough to realize someone significant in your life is gone but then two people!?! Even if imperfectly - we were important to each other at one time. And then aha! I don't have to know how to feel. I just have to feel. To let the emotions break over and in...and while I don't want it to be so much that I can't function - I still have to let the feelings come. And it's exhausting. And painful. And all the regrets and sorrows come crashing in as well. And the self-recriminations. And the coulda - shoulda - wouldas. They are there too. And it's all just one big reminder of how things did NOT go as planned and that was as much my fault as anyone else's. But I wish I could have said good-bye. I wish we could have talked as well. And now there are 2 gone from the fabric. Their shadow, their memory is all that is left in the tapestry. And my present beloved - who has his own health concerns going on - now needs in ways he hasn't before...and I want to be there for him but I'm working at half measure...and it's all so confusing. I mean like what is going on? Is this supposed to be some great life lesson - or just another it is, what it is? And there is no seeming purpose to all this. I mean - we are born, we live, we die - big deal. But that is not a reflection of the faith I profess. But I don't know what happens after we die and I don't know that life - our existence has any more or less meaning other than that we should make the most of our time while we are here - and we should just be kind to one another. Why is that so friggin hard?

In the beginning...all over again.

January 1, 2018 It does not seem possible that it is 2018. At least on the Gregorian calendar. Other calendars indicate different delineations of time. Clearly, our time of existence is far longer than 2000+ years. I woke up around 6:20 to the faith barking of our dogs. It was a bit hard to get out of bed as I did not get to sleep until around 1 a.m. this morning, the second late night in a row. On Saturday, we took our annual pilgrimage to my brother's house in NJ. Since I was reunited w/him and the rest of my biological family in 1999 - I and my family have been invited to his home every year to engage in the holiday family festivities. It is a gift just to be with them. We have a great time. No matter what configuration of family exists at the time of the gathering, we are all welcomed to his table. There are people missing and the ghosts of people I never met but if not for them, (Florence "Ruby" Fertig and Paul DeMartino), I would not be here. More on that later. Anyway - the moon lay abreast of the new fallen snow. I know exactly what image Clement Clarke Moore wrote of in his Christmas poem. That's what this morning's landscape looked like. It is is so beautiful. Then out to feed the animals. We don't have as many as we did in previous years so it doesn't take too long. It has been below 10 degrees every day for the past week. But...but if I remain in my Vera Wang pjs, I can throw on my heavy coat, my gloves and my hat and I am good to go. I know that once you wear pjs out to do chores, you are officially a farm woman but not sure there are too many who wear Vera Wang out to do so. But I did it last week since I was just too tired to change before going out and I discovered that as cold as it was, my pjs kept me warm. The really cool thing is they don't make me sweat when I am sleeping and these are fuzzy and cozy. So, Vera Wang - i've always enjoyed your fashions although I don't wear them but I now have my own VW pjs thanks to Hubby and Christmas and they are simply the best. Hubby wanted to know what they are made of and it's synthetic polyester and some stretchy fabric. But 10 degrees is not pj outdoor weather so the fact that I can comfortably finish chores and not be chilled says something. Can I be your spokeswoman VW? We'll be seeing friends later. We got to see another couple last night. It was totally impromptu but our timing was pretty good. We stopped by just as they finished dinner. Since it was still out on the table, they asked us to have some - scallops and fettucine. Great New Year's Eve supper w/homemade cookies for dessert. It felt very holiday-ish. I like to connect w/people so I was really happy Hubs agreed. We also wanted to see if they knew the whereabouts of another dear friend. She had gone back to family for the holidays. It was a hard year for her. Her beloved died unexpectedly in September and I know it's completely rocked her world. The rest of us who were friends to both are also recovering so I can only begin to imagine what she is feeling. It happened so damn fast. But not just to us. Others have written about the newly empty spaces in their lives. And we all keep promising to do better at staying in touch. At coming together. At not letting time slip away from us but I'm not sure how this year will be different form last year. Can we truly change the future outcomes ala Ebenezer Scrooge? Can we change ourselves enough to make room for the truly important? What do I have to let go of to make sure that my actual relationships will blossom and grow? I am probably going have to drastically reduce my FB time. I am returning to school - for my Masters in Clinical Counseling w/MSW hopefully along w/a Spiritual Direction certificate. It will be the culmination of my educational aspirations, which I have carried for many years. Not that achieving them will signal the end of the educational endeavors. Hopefully I will be open and able to learning till my last breath. And hopefully, I will navigate the choppy waters of our national circumstances and now allow the toxins of others to poison my heart, mind, soul and psyche. May i be able to enable and ennoble the world in which we live from this day forward. And may those whom I love find the year to come to hold all the good surprises and grace that this cosmos holds.

Moving on

We are winding down. We've barely been farmers for 6 years now but it's time to wind down. This has been on my mind a lot as I consider how physical farming is and how it really can't be done part-time. At least not the amount of work that we need to engage in to get the barn back in shape and do things around the farm yard that will improve it's looks and ability to function. Not sure if the animals are picking up on this. They do their animal thing and trust that we will take care of them. We do our best - but still haven't outwitted the fox or raccoon that have visited recently. The containers that hold food are broken into and a couple of our older birds have died from old age, or been on the menu for another creature. I consider this element of life also a lot as I think about the many, many posts of animals getting along and acting all cute and cuddly. And they very well may feel that way the moment the picture is snapped. But give it a few minutes or a day or two and there is no more cute n cuddly photo op. That animal may be raging against who knows what or it turns on it's best friend, human or otherwise. We can't fully, completely control what anyone else, including animals do...so we need to be wise when we engage with them. Even the most trustworthy of pets can snap and bite if sick, injured or feeling cornered. It isn't thinking about it's relationship with the other live being in the scenario...it's acting on instinct and that instinct can direct it to self-protective behavior. When our 100% lovable mini-Schnauzer was still with us, people would ask if they could pet her. And they'd ask if she bit. I said she never had but I would never 100% say it couldn't happen. She was a dog. (She never did bite anyone throughout her days...not even Ivanhoe the cat who would ambush her from the futon in the living room and then engage in a wrestling match.)