Two deaths. Two significant deaths have occurred in my world and this morning I was saying that I don't know what I am supposed to feel. I have been saying this a lot lately. Ever since my first husband died in May. He had been sick a few years ago, recovered but then the sickness came back. And 20 minutes before I could get to the hospital to sit w/our son and him, he left. His wife - his beautiful loving wife and kids had been with him all day. His oldest had already booked a flight w/her family to fly out on Mother's Day to spend what they thought would probably be their last time with him. But he couldn't hold on. His oldest son, his and my youngest sat with him and held him at his last breath. And I was there - with the family during those next few days as we all said good-bye. It was hard and awful and sad and I did my best to support our kids and his family and all the while, wondering how do I do this? What am I supposed to feel? I am the former spouse. Do I have a right even to mourn. And there were or might be people wondering why I would be sad...I mean, I divorced him...But I was. I was sad. And also grateful that we had spoken about a month earlier and made peace with each other. And it was such a blessing - a treasure. Something I will be forever grateful for. And I didn't want him to die. I wanted, and still want him to be here for his wife, his kids, the world...because there is a big hole now in the fabric of the universe - of life. I came to an awareness shortly after his death however and it is still something I am wrestling with. I realized I had never mourned the loss of our marriage- our future - our dreams. I knew that unless things changed - we got counseling - did our emotional work - the relationship had to end. And there was sorrow - and pain but that was from the literal act of ending the marriage. It is not easy. And it's not anything anyone should undertake lightly. Although I can't imagine that people do. How could one take it lightly? But it happened and I went on and we all went on living our lives...but I never mourned what didn't come to pass. And it is ok to be sad about that - and sad that things didn't work out when one had so many hopes and dreams - even if they weren't actually practical or realistic maybe. And we continued living. And then a text came from my sister. She told me that my 2nd husband - my friend since our teens - (and should have remained friends - not married but it happened) was in the hospital. I had been told he had melanoma but that apparently was not the issue. Over the next few hours I heard how he had been sick, but gotten better but then had been found by his brother and was taken to the local hospital and it wasn't looking good. I went to see him and to be with my son who had been close to him. Even tho' there had been some hurt feelings. It wasn't the same for my daughter - and didn't have to be. But he had provided for us, he did love us - very deeply and now he was in the hospital and no one seemed to know why. I went and spent a day w/my son - and visiting in the hospital. Maybe two days? I don't actually remember. And my sister came - and our mutual friend who was a steady presence in his life - for many years. And then the stories of what had happened over time were told...and how he got lost but was trying to find his way back to health and wholeness and then this happened. And after a week, we were told he did have a stroke. There was brain damage. But it didn't compute. Especially since he seemed to be deliberately trying to communicate. He even tried to get out of bed. But the dr. said it was all just a reflexive response. But then I was told that when my son walked in his room at one point, his face lit up. I can just see it. It breaks my heart but I do believe he knew that the kid he loved came to be with him. And I went home then came back. But before I came back, I saw a vdieo of him trying to speak. And he even said a sentence. But the dr. said it was a reflex. And then I came back And sat w/him. And tried to get him to respond. But he wouldn't. And now he was DNR. And on morphine. And his nephews and nieces came to see him and say good-bye. And my son sat w/him every day for 2 weeks. And I sat w/him his last night and sang his favorite hymn. And the next morning he was gone. And it broke my heart. And once again, I realized I had not mourned the end of our marriage. The loss of our hopes and dreams. That got buried because I was so angry and having to go through this again - but it's how it worked out. And there were other things I was angry about - and rightfully so but it wasn't a one way street and God my flaws and imperfections did their own damage. Yet after our marriage ended - we stayed friends. Or something. And he even came to my 3rd wedding and visited us and remained close w/my son. Until not. But now I am again saying I don't know how to do this...what am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to feel? Because it's enough to realize someone significant in your life is gone but then two people!?! Even if imperfectly - we were important to each other at one time. And then aha! I don't have to know how to feel. I just have to feel. To let the emotions break over and in...and while I don't want it to be so much that I can't function - I still have to let the feelings come. And it's exhausting. And painful. And all the regrets and sorrows come crashing in as well. And the self-recriminations. And the coulda - shoulda - wouldas. They are there too. And it's all just one big reminder of how things did NOT go as planned and that was as much my fault as anyone else's. But I wish I could have said good-bye. I wish we could have talked as well. And now there are 2 gone from the fabric. Their shadow, their memory is all that is left in the tapestry. And my present beloved - who has his own health concerns going on - now needs in ways he hasn't before...and I want to be there for him but I'm working at half measure...and it's all so confusing. I mean like what is going on? Is this supposed to be some great life lesson - or just another it is, what it is? And there is no seeming purpose to all this. I mean - we are born, we live, we die - big deal. But that is not a reflection of the faith I profess. But I don't know what happens after we die and I don't know that life - our existence has any more or less meaning other than that we should make the most of our time while we are here - and we should just be kind to one another. Why is that so friggin hard?