Enough of winter

It's winter.  There's snow.  A lot of snow.  But it's winter in the northeast and snow is traditionally  a part of the picture.  It's just that this winter there has been a lot more snow than we've seen in recent years.  Funnily enough it was a winter like this when Dave & I first met; February 1994.  We  both attended New Brunswick Theological Seminary in NJ but didn't know each other.  That February there came the deep snows that people remembered from our childhoods.  The kind that had snow mountains on every corner of every street.  The snow started coming down and kept coming so by the end of the day I knew I wouldn't make it home.  The wipers weren't clearing the windshield and although it was only a 16 mile drive home, I wasn't going to risk it.  I asked the RA of the dorms if I could stay in the extra room and he said ok.  It turned out to be an ok which led to a rather route changing event....I was about to meet the man of my dreams.  How corny but true.  We actually met in October when a mutual friend introduced us while doing Hebrew h.w. in the library.  Dave was rummaging through the books for his h.w. and noticed Kathy and myself talking and working.  He came over, said hi, I said hi and that was the extent of our communication.  But 4 months later we got to spend a couple of hours together playing a seriously competitive Trivial Pursuit marathon with other resident students.  Over the next several months we got to know each other as he finished up his final semester and I added a couple of credits to my files.  Twenty years later and we're living on a farm in sort of upstate NY (south of Albany - 150 miles north of NYC).  So, an "ok" led to my childhood dreams coming true; the man of my dreams on a farm in the country. Cold country however. 
It's been cold this winter.  Zero degree and below kind of cold.  The snow just keeps on falling.  Which is fine except not this year.  I don't know why but I've had enough.  After moving north in 1998 I took up xc skiing and came to enjoy the snowy days and nights which provided time for little mini-retreats from the everyday routine.  Maybe it's that we have to be out more often tromping around in the knee deep snow in order to feed the farm animals.  I've always wanted to live on a farm and now I do.  I enjoy it.  But I confess that having to carry water from house to barnyard in 20 and 10 degree weather is not fun.  I don't know how people manage to work in the cold for days and weeks as a time.  The animals manage. We keep them sheltered and fed.  But it does wear thin after several weeks of it.  So yes, I have been whining.  At some level I have adjusted.  I noted recently on my FB page that I was running back and forth to the gym in shorts.  In sub-32 degree weather.  Which I would never have done in my younger years.  So yes, getting older doesn't mean things can't change.  Other things that change don't always feel good.  Like memory loss.  It's not like I haven't forgotten things before but that was mainly due to distraction or not really being interested in what I needed to be interested in.  But now I'm forgetting things that I really am invested in - although I second-guess myself by saying that if I was really committed to them I wouldn't forget.  But I'm really forgetting.
Like meeting times and appointments.  I have to write big notes and leave them around so I can be reminded of where I need to be.  And even then it's not always enough.  I have meeting reminders what's the word - oh yes forget them too - programmed into my smart phone but the phone isn't smart enough to make sure I pay attention and tonight I missed a meeting I wanted to attend and am really mortified and pissed.  I cannot believe I missed it.  I had everything all planned out as far as chores and dinner and getting out the door on time.  And I did all that.  Except I was an hour behind time. 
Where oh where is Erma Bombeck when we need her?  When I need her.  She went through the experience of being oh so human while also being able to turn it into fodder for her column which provided her with an outlet and an income.  Wouldn't mind being able to do that for myself.  That's part of why I joined Toastmaster International. I wanted to be able to hone my speaking and leadership skills and maybe find an outlet for my love of speaking and also being able to uplift others.  Laugh at self, encourage others, earn a living.  Living on the farm provides it's own material which if I could pull it all together would find me where I'm meant to be.  But no more whining. At least not for tonight.  It's time to check things out - make sure the animals are settled for the night and then plan my day for tomorrow.  It will be interesting to see if I can fulfill the goals for the day.  But if nothing else...the cow, the pigs, the horses and chickens, dogs and cats will all be fed and sheltered and in that the day will be well spent.  Dreams really do come true. 

Rooster Haven - progress?

Good Evening Self -
Why is it that I can have a great thought in my head and not get it down when I actually go to sit and write?  I have great topic right around me, the animals and the farm and yet here it is again,  a year later and I have not given my writing it's due.  Oh well.  The farm is still here, the animals being their animal selves and I had a couple of great stories but let it go....
Oh for pete's sake.  I'm done for tonight.  Next time I have a thought - I have to actually WRITE. 
Thanksgiving though for my crazy dogs, cats and animal friends.  Oh dribble.  What on earth.  Let's start again tomorrow.

Catching Up

     It's amazing how many pieces or blog posts I've written over the last year or so...truly amazing I tell you but you have no cause to believe me.  Why should you?  I haven't posted a darn thing in all that time.  I write really great stuff.  Too bad it stays in my head.  Today I've had about 3 hours of free time in which I could have done any number of things, writing included but I spent about 2 of those hours procratinating or finding elswhere to focus.  The expereince is very similar to the typical Saturday night antics I engage in while working on Sunday's sermon.  It's remarkable how all of a sudden all kinds of things need to get done "right now" instead of doing any actual writing.  I know this is not uncommon but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  I really wonder what the hold up is, the obstacle that prevents me from doing what I say it is I want to do - which is write. 

Oh well..it's not that there's a lack of things to write about.  The animals provide many opportunities for me to create the written picture of life here on the farm but once I get in the house, the inspiration drains away and I end up doing anything else but writing.  I did read somewhere that anyone can write when inspired...the trick is to writing even when there's no inspiration around.  This is work  no question about it but so maybe that' my issue.  It's work and although I enjoy "having written" as I think Dorothy Parker said, writing is something else. 

Red letter day here on the farm. The old septic system is gone and a new tank was just installed.  This is very good news.  According the the man who did the work it looked like it hadn't been pumped out or replaced since the 1960's.  I have no doubt about that...heaven knows the stench made the case for it having been quite a while.  Mama Jo is very happy.  Work seems to be progressing around here.  It goes by fits and starts.  I have a fit and Dave starts working is the basic formula.  It's not that he sits around twiddling his thumbs.  Serving 2 congregations keeps him pretty busy and he was definitely sidetracked whe he got hit with the flu bug or whatever that horrible experience was.  I got sick for 5 days - very very sick but then got over it.  Dave got sick and after a month - 5 weeks, it seems as if the bug has given up and gone elsewhere...or just succumbed to its own life and death cycle.  That was a lot of time that he could have been doing things.  But we're not going to revisit that.  He has started work on the upstairs bathroom and it will be completed this year.  Three and half years after pulling out the tub, toilet and sink.  But other things had to be taken care of ....mainly the foster kids.  They kept us going in a whole 'nother universe but after 3 years of kids in and out of the hosue - we're back to just us two and our son who helps out around here.  Once or twice a month, one of our "kids" comes to hang out and have some one on one attention in order to have some space which is working out well.  Having been a full-time foster parent was something I'd always wanted to do and Dave eventually agreed but I came to realize that there are reasons for the seasons of life and right now the only kid I really want to spend time with is our new grandson - who is all of 3 months old.  There is nothing like being a grandparent and I don't even get to spend that much time with him....since he and his parents are 3 hours away but it doesn't matter.  I've entered into a new community - one which is just thrilling. 

As I think about any number of things this thought keeps recurring...I wish Erma Bombeck was still with us.  She was so able to bring humor to life's not always humourous moments as she shared with her readers.  I started reading her columns when I was very young - probably a teen.  She could mae me laugh out loud even though I really had no common ground with her at that time.  While she wrote about being a parent and facing the fact of aging - I was still in the "life will last forever" phase of my life yet that's how good she was.  She told funny stories and whether or not one could identify with the details, we could all identify with the humor.   I miss Erma.  I need her funny reflections on what going through menopause is like and what's it's like to be closer to the end of one's life than the beginning.  Her life was cut short no question.  She had to face that earlier in the cycle rather than later.  She did that well too - finding ways to share what living with cancer was like - for her...including finding the humor in a very dark place.  I miss her...

Persistence or Plain Foolishness

The hen is back on the nest.  Now this isn't news... hens are generally expected to sit on their nests, doing their duty to nurture and protect the prospetive chickies through gestation.  But this wanna be momma has lost all sense of limitations re: her responsibilities.  I wrote about her the other day - how she's been nesting since before Thanksgiving.  I took her off the nest that day and put her in w/the others - in her own little nesting box.  However, over the course of the last few days, the chicks in that living space have been able to come and go as I did not keep the coop locked.  Well, guess where she is?  Yep - back on the nest where I didn't get rid of the eggs.  She has been sitting for about 3 consecutive days and continues to sit and wait, through the bitter cold and today's snow.  I don't know what to do - or if I should do anything.  She is spending her life waiting for something that will never happen and who am I to determine she should do otherwise?  But, but, she's a chicken.  She doesn't know those eggs will never hatch.  I know they won't but she doeesn't.  Is there any level of chicken awareness that will reveal that piece of information to her so that she can continue to go on with the business of living?  Which isn't much more than eating, pecking, scratching and sleeping.  Not quite the full itinerary that us humans have.  Our days can be as full or empty of activity as we like - theoretically speaking.  Some of us have full schedules that have more to do with the simple desire to live and meet basic needs while others have the freedom to decide how full or empty they want their days to be. 

And The Vinny - (her name - sort of) is free from all the angst and expectation that we have upon awaking each morning.  There is no thinking - no considering the fact that her due date came and went weeks ago.  She doesn't care or more likely - she doesn't process that reality..she just sits and waits; sits and waits.  And I can only assume that she is fine with it.  I really shouldn't let her just sit there...it's cold, bitterly cold and there is nothing that is going to come out of this...other than a frostbitten comb.  Yet I also wish I had her persistence and determination...if I did maybe at least one of my collection of ideas would come to fruition.  One book, play, collection of poems, children's story, something would be finished.  Or I would have found a way to pursue earning a living that would provide more income so that we could finish the many un-done projects around here - house or farm.  Something would be done.  But it's all a work in progress.  Dave feels that it being a work in progress is progress.  I understand that there are things which have been accomplished but I want the Big Project to be closer to done.  You know, the upstairs bathroom which has been waiting for 3 years...or the downstair bathroom which needs to be moved...or the other side of the house which could conceivably be an apartment - thereby serving 2 purposes; that of providing someone w/a home and providing us w/income.  The stalls would be done, the chicken coops completed, other avenues of income would be open to us...but then we're back to the beginning of the circle.  Dave finds his satisfaction in the working on the projects.  I don't mind and even enjoy it but want to see some completion.  And then I go out and see The Vinny.  And she just is....

Still is....I think I need some of that.

Ok -writing again

Why is it that I create so well in my head, walking around the farm and then when it's time to write, I can't remember anything at all that I intended to write about.  Yes, I know, I should be carrying a note pad and pen with me so that I can jot down reminder notes.  But I don't. So, I'm left with remembering and that doesn't work so well these days.  Oh well.  It's Yom Kippur today...the day of atonement.  I am clear I have much to atone for...

Ahh - the memory has returned.  The other theme of yesterday...family.  Although it is actually much larger than that.  I was asked a few days ago why I do what I do?  Why am I so driven to do the things I do - the things that I think matter.   I seem driven and why is it that the 2 or three important things that I do don't seem to be enough?  Well, I've been asked that many times before...I've been asked if I think I'm not good enough or if I have to do more for God to love me...  I've thought about that on many occasions...over time, through the years.  I've never really been able fully understand what or why I do - only that when an opportunity to give, to serve, to be there for others is set before me, then I respond. Yes, I know, I don't need to save the world.  Trust me - I've gotten over that.  But if there is something I can do in my  little corner of it, then I want to do it.  Why?  Because I believe that we are called to "bear one another's burdens", to "do justice, love mercy, & walk humbly with God", and to "proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...."   No, I am not called to save the world, but when God puts a call upon my heart then aren't I to answer it.  Lofty isn't it? I don't mean to be.  All I can say is that it is cellular - this need to respond when a need is expressed.  I have pared down, I do say no, I don't expect that I am the answer to all the questions but yes to some.

And then there is the real essence of why I do what I do - why I am who I am.  It came to me today - not in an epiphany moment - no, that would be too easy...but as the culmination of years and years of trying to answer the question that was put to me again earlier this week - what drives me?  Why do I do what I do, be who I be?  Because - after years of not wanting to be like my mom and dad - and then years of respecting them, I find I do indeed want to be like them. Not a carbon copy -that's never going to happen but to live out the values that they embodied and lived.  Those values which echo or reflect the values I espouse and have sought to live out through my life.  And why are they my values?  Not from going to Sunday school or church so much although I did hear of them and was taught them on a spiritual level but because Mom & Dad lived this way...because of who they were created to be. They weren't "believers"...they just lived out hospitality as is taught was the way of our spiritual ancestors,  They lived a life that sometimes looked more Christian than those who spend their lives professing their faith.

I want to be like Mom & Dad...in that I have sought to re-create family - re-create hospitality to the stranger - (perhaps entertaining angels, unaware.)  I came from a created family - adopted at birth, but loved no differently than a child born to her parents.  I lived with these people who opened their hearts and their home to the people who needed to be welcomed or to find respite from the upheavals of life.  I didn't always appreciate the effort they made to make the world a little less of a harsh place - especially when it seemed to interfere with my personal wants and desires. Ultimately whether by osmosis, patterning, or whatever element it was, I did come to own the essence that when there is a need, I can be someone who responds to meet it.  Not for self-aggrandizement although have also wondered whether there is anything as pure altruism,  as it does feel good to be there for others.  It does...can't ignore or deny that reality.  But when I was asked, again, I wanted to discover the answer and I think I have.

What if I was to write today?  Just write and write and write...oh wait - should that have read, "what if I were to write today?  Here we go - one sentence in and the editor is already working.  But whatever.  I know that writers write...and if I want to be a writer I need to write.  I have time during my days to do this - yet I don't.  Still working on uncovering the obstacle.  Sometimes I think if I could just go away for a week...actually I probably can.  That would be my test.  I will either write or I won't.  Lord knows I have had some really good ideas to write about.  But don't.  But The Daily E-Mo - Geranium Farm, or Anne Lamott, that's my genre.  I could do this...but I don't.  Well, not consistently.  Sporadically speaking here I am again...writing about not writing.  SMH.  This is absurd.  And yesterday I had 2 really good themes to work w/but a day later, not having written them down, I once again am writing about not writing.
Well, there was the chicken - who I know should have some kind of profound lesson for me, thus the world, that I could use...the fact that one little chicken has been sitting on a clutch since before Thanksgiving...with one or two forays from the nest.  It has to be more however or I don't think the poor girl would be alive.  But 2 days ago, after observing for so many days straight that she was still on that nest, I picked her up and put her in the coop with the others.  I mean, her clutch was in the wagon seat, in the barn, no protection from the icy cold of this month and it just didn't seem right to let her stay there any longer, even though seeing her there every morning was something I contemplated in the hopes it would inspire some insightful meaningful work on my part.  Finally it just got to be too much.  I mean her persistence is indeed admirable...but after so long with NO possible hope that the eggs would hatch?  It just got sad.  So, is there a lesson in there about knowing when to keep pursuing something and knowing when to stop, to let go, to move on?  I don't know - you tell me.