Week of July 3, 2016

I am thinking and thinking about what, if anything to write that hasn't been said or referenced already in the last few days. As a preacher/pastor, I feel obligated to say something but I don't want to add more words to the fray, or repeat previous thoughts ad nauseum. I want what I say to be measured and well thought out, providing insight perhaps, while suggesting some kind of action that will help heal and not hurt but all I can come up with at this moment is that the words need to "comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable." So, nothing original there...I can't speak as a person of color, although as a woman I have experienced some level having my worth devalued in our patriarchal society, not earning the equivalent amount as a male would for the work I've done and do. And that would only be a part of the injuries that occur when not in the power position. And I do recognize that my status as a white woman still offers more security and status than if I was a person of color. I recognize and accept that the system is racist...it's biased and prejudiced as well. This has to be acknowledged if we are ever going to begin to change it. I know as well what it feels like to wear the blue thus becoming another kind of target for those who see that color and not the person wearing it. For a small short while in the "80's, I was employed as a police officer. Yes, it was for a college campus but one that was situated in the middle of a large township, with its own diverse identification: white, blue and pink collar, still rural oasis as well as suburban tracts, black, brown, white; different ethnicities, different religions, it was all going on back then. Upper, lower and a robust middle class. The job was campus security but the training was police procedures and firearms training and being located in such a way that people who may have had nothing to do with the school could drive through the campus, most just going about their business but who knows what a traffic stop might produce? And who knew when someone might be driving through, getting stopped and deciding they didn't want to be scrutinized by law enforcement officers? Hey, it could have been anyone who didn't take kindly to blue and blue made the wearer a target. I experienced that for about 8 months at a time when I had two young children at home whom I was trying to provide for while at the same time, paradoxically putting myself in a slightly more than ordinary vulnerable position. But it was a position that provided health benefits, a paycheck (which for the record I am only making $2000.00 more some 30 plus years later in a professional job) and some stability. Well stability for the most part. It was also a shift job which meant my working hours changed every 6 weeks. That did not work for me. My body did not adjust well to those insults to my system and I missed seeing my kids on the days when I worked as they attended day care and then by the time we met up, it was dinner and bed time for them. That was enough. But this isn’t about my life - or is it? Is it about how I was trying just to get through each day that the injustices and wrongdoings that I was aware of in my consciousness weren’t anything I thought I could actively address? Is that how it is for others? Just trying to get through each day, keeping the kids fed, spending a moment or two with spouse that there isn’t any room for anything else…is that what’s keeping the system from changing? Is it maybe a part of it? Or is it the BIG STUFF, the ugly racist beliefs that keep being passed on down from generation to generation? The idea that the color of someone’s skin is the thing that determines whether or not a person lives or dies; or gets a chance at redemption; or is included in the power board and broker rooms where decisions get made that affect the global population? And how do I go up against the institutionalized separation, the forces of degradation, the lies that keep humans separated? I’ve been told I hate my own race (a mix of any number of influences I’m sure – no purity test here) which would make me laugh except that it allows that person to remain distant or uncaring about the real issues that need to be acknowledged and then addressed. Acknowledging the wrongdoing of past and present and how I as a white woman benefit from that has NOTHING to do with me hating my race. It’s possible I may feel hatred towards those who keep the system going or those who do actual harm to another human being because of their skin color or culture. But hate isn’t going to help here or anywhere. I read a book in seminary – Dismantling Racism and I believe it spoke of the fact that race itself doesn’t exist…it is a cultural construct. There is no such thing as race, biologically speaking. It came into existence so that one group of people could claim superiority and authority over another. And we see how that has worked. But just recently, I started another book about how trying to dismiss the whole notion of race, dismisses the conversations around it and attempts to change the way the issues are dealt with. I don’t know right now. I know my brothers and sisters of color are tired and heart sick and they have every reason to be. So are my brothers and sisters in blue but there are very distinct, differing reactions to the events of this week and until they are addressed and dealt with in ways radically different from what we’ve been doing, we will not move past this place that we now find ourselves in. Earlier I said I wanted to respond in an even, measured way, a way in which the volatility of the circumstances would not be recharged but as I responded to a post earlier in the week, I find myself, coming up with this response – Shit. Just Shit. This is all bullshit and while I am not directly involved I am as a human being affected by what is happening in my country. I want to cry and mourn with those who mourn. I want to bring healing to the wounded. And I want to just punch my fist in rage… I want people to understand that there is s systemic difference in the way some of those in blue deal with those whose skin is black or brown or something other than “Caucasian.”” I heard first hand conversations in the academy about how a suspect would be stopped or approached for a traffic violation perhaps. Which already tells you something. Why is one particular motorist, JUST a motorist in one traffic stop but in another, a SUSPECT? Why would a black/brown/Hispanic driver be stopped for driving through Deal NJ in a) a used, kind of dumpy car or b) a luxury model, current year? Don’t know? Well, there are NO residences in Deal who would be housing a used, dumpy kind of car…Long Branch, Asbury Park, sure but not Deal. So, said person must be in the neighborhood for no reason - well, a reason, probably drugs. OR, there is no possible way that a person of color would be driving a current year luxury model car through Deal, because, well, no one of that description would be living in Deal. So, it must be stolen. I couldn’t believe it when I heard these conversations. They took place around the time that DWB was becoming a thing. Although it hadn’t reached Alphabet soup acronym status yet…it was being called profiling. And I was naïve to think it worked any other way. The rationale was that you need to know what’s out of place…an early version of “see something, say something.” So, jump to now. What I can I do? I can use the power and authority of the pulpit to speak out against violence – violence of any kind. But I can also name the wrong that is being done to the black/brown/people of color community. I sometimes hesitate when I am in that position of power because I like to speak of the church community as “we.” We worship together, we commune together, but do we really suffer together? People who look like me don’t experience what others do. I may be vulnerable as a woman, but not as a woman of color. I serve, as part of our congregation a black couple…in their 80’s. They are our lovebirds…the couple who laugh and joke about each other and invite us into that. But they also have had experiences that none of us has ever had. And while they invite us in, it is only to a point. And so, I always ask how they are doing, I call when they don’t come to church to make sure things are ok…I was told, by one of them that they had been through some tough times. And as I attempt to speak out against racial bias and prejudice, I sometimes wonder if they want to hear me say anything about what they might actually have gone through. If I do, will it come off as pontificating or just espousing thoughts with no real meat to back them up? It occurs to me that this is not the first summer of such discontent. Back in the 60’s, neighborhoods around the country were going up in flames, flames fanned by too many years of being discriminated against, being lynched, being abused…and the only reason for it was a longstanding notion that people of color do not deserve or get to be treated well, hell, treated as humans by the white class…the “ruling” authority. South Africa engaged in apartheid, so did we. In our own ways. And it wasn’t in far off places, but 45 minutes north in Newark, and 5 minutes away, in Matawan…the borough. The citizens of the “black” part of town were feeling what people today are feeling. Angry, tired, scared, uncertain and insecure. And the citizens of the “white” neighborhoods apparently didn’t really care. They wanted those other folks to stop whining, stop trying to change things, accept their “place” as it was determined by the white citizens. Preachers are preaching, some are seeking calm, others calling for change, RIGHT NOW before another black son, father, brother, uncle, best friend is gone. And that is regardless of his past. If those situations involved a white “suspect” I am about 99% sure that the men would be alive. Does this condone the take down of the officers in Texas – No. But it does reflect the frustration of a group who are targeted on a regular basis. And at this point in time, I am not sure that it has been determined who fired on the officers. Was it payback or was it an attempt to instigate more violence. Here’s the thing. Violence does begets violence. And what will that accomplish? NOTHING. And people like former Senator Joe Walsh ( not of the band.) need to keep their horrid thoughts to themselves.. Free speech is part of our heritage but inciting violence against our President…that could be considered treasonous. Sad thing, he isn’t alone. We know people in our neighborhoods who have verbalized the same thoughts. You don’t have to like the President but targeting him because of his skin color, inciting violence against him…your hands are dirty. Anyone who incites or engages in violence against others are dirty…the Church has its own handwashing to do when violence occurs seemingly condoned by it – generated by the things the Church says about another marginalized group – the LGBTQ community. We the Church must also take a stand against all the violence that is occurring, especially against those who use their platforms to demean, degrade and denigrate others. This is not how Christians are to behave so if you call yourself a Christian yet engage in racist, prejudiced, hateful ways against others then you need to be called to account. And then to consider how Jesus holds both you and the object of your disdain in his arms. (Had I written earlier in the week, this would have been a reflection on what it means to observe or celebrate or ignore the whole 4th of July happening. It probably would have included something about our son spending the weekend with us and how much I wish we lived closer to him, his sister and her family.)

One stream of consciousness thought... Just now · When I moved to Greene County NY after marrying David Tipple, (8/8/98) he as a pastor and I as a student pastor joined the Catskill Ecumenical Group. While it initially began for only clergy members, we extended the invitation to the laity - baptized members of a Christian congregation who are also imbued with gifts of the Spirit for ministry - living out Christ's call to us. I don't remember when it started but shortly thereafter, 3 congregations decided to meet during the summer, sharing pastors and pulpits. The 3 congregations who did this were the AME Zion Church on Water Str., in Catskill, The United Methodist Church on Woodland Avenue and The First Reformed Church, Catskill, 310 Main St. We'd decide before June where we'd meet and who would preach. Over the next few years, it grew into a full communion of believers, brothers and sisters in Christ, who worshiped, prayed and sang together. I don't think I need to point out why this was a truly moving and faithful experience. If you know anything about church denominations and separations, you know that for at least 3 months, there was a reprieve of Sunday a.m. worship being an example of the most segregated times of the week. The summer worship gatherings continue these days but only between Catskill UMC and First Reformed. After the previous and much beloved pastor, Rev Moses Carter left, the Bishop of that conference told the congregation they could no longer continue to engage in worship together. It wasn't racist - he would not be in a position of power w/in the whole system although he could be biased or prejudiced against the white congregations. I don't know and we've never heard. I think it was one of the worst things to happen to our community. The Ecumenical Council still works together, with white, black and occasionally the Hispanic congregation present but we should still be coming together to worship. Especially after a week such as this.

Who Are We? The RCA decision to prevent full inclusion in the life of the Church by those who are LBGTQ

I just read a commentary written by a sister in the denomination in which I serve - The Reformed Church in America. We are a denomination born out of the Protestant Reformation and in the 1700's evolved from being the Dutch Reformed to the RCA...(google for more information.) My sister spoke of how our General Synod gathering this year was filled with hatred and mean spiritedness. (GS - time of decision making also Google) After hearing the decision to try and rework our polity (form of governance) it so unnerved her that she felt she needed to self-injure to move the pain from her heart and mind to her body - in order to alleviate it. This pain stems from being told that she as a Queer person is worthless, has no value, should be eliminated etc., etc. But that changed as those of us who are seeking full inclusion for LBGTQ people in the life of the Church reached out to assure her that she is loved and welcomed and is "fearfully and wonderfully made." This compelled me to write and share some thoughts. Last night our classis -(regional governing body) had the opportunity to sit and talk to each other about where we stand on the issue. There are a variety of people with a variety of views on whether or not folks who are LBGTQ should be able to be ordained and married. Yet, while we differ, we were able to sit and share our thoughts respectfully in a safe place and way. This apparently is contrary to what the special council who met in April and our General Synod experienced this year. We heard a report on what occurred at both of these events and frankly I am horrified and disgusted. The point of the special council was to honestly and openly sit and discern together what action the RCA could take going forward about this issue. Several recommendations came out of that discussion but General Synod, which met in June failed to heed any. What happened was a proposal to basically change our polity and elevate marriage to the equivalent of a sacrament. This is not Protestant. This not how we do things. All in the name of keeping same sex couples from being married in the Church and individuals who are called to the ordained ministry from that calling. What really makes my blood boil was hearing that members from other regions did not come to these gatherings in order to wrestle honestly with the issues or what it means to a major section of our denomination - our brothers and sisters in faith...Instead, those gathering were told that they were to take a particular stance and adhere to that stance or else they would face difficult times when they returned home. How dishonest! How disingenuous! And when members of the Body who believe that the "bible says" no to full inclusion, they don't just say it's because of their faith. They apparently do so in the meanest, most derogatory way possible. Shame on them. And these proposals, which are made to prevent members of our denomination from full inclusion took place on the night that Orlando occurred. But Orlando wasn't the only tragedy that took place that night. In our region, a child, just 14 years old, took her life because she was being told s/he wasn't worthy, s/he was a freak, s/he had no value. She was transgender. In this case, it wasn't coming from her church but kids at school. However, this occurs far too often because when people hear church folk saying these kinds of things, it seems to give others a pass to act just as horribly. It shouldn't be happening by anyone. No one has the right to tell another that they have no value or that they can't live their lives in the way that the rest of the Church or society does. We the Church are complicit in these tragedies and we need to acknowledge this. This leads me to ask why ii is only conservative, bible literalists that get to offer commentary on these issues in the news media? There are many ordained individuals who would speak a new or different word on the issue - people who are just as bible literate as the conservative literalists believe themselves to be. The Church and Society needs to hear the position that ALL are welcome at the Table of the Lord and all are invited into full participation into the life of the Church. The LGBTQ community certainly needs to hear this. They need to know they are just as welcome as anyone else to share their love in the marriage arena and serve as ordained ministers. I also want to say is that while some may have a right to believe what they wish, I have heard of NO ONE killin themselves as a result of being loved and supported and invited into the full life of faith - including being able to be married or ordained. But enough people have ended their lives believing the lies that say they aren't good enough, are freaks, and are not welcome into full inclusion. This means more than being tolerated or welcome to join a faith community but not be able to do the things that some say are off limits to them. This is NOT how the Body of Christ should be functioning. We have blood on our hands. In light of that - I also have to say, while many are speaking out against leaving the denomination in order to be present and offer hope for the LBGTQ members who wish to remain in the denomination, I applaud the notion that we are not saying we're taking our ball and going home because things aren't going our way. That is a very mature and faithful way of proceeding forward. But here's the thing. After you've been told for so long that you are worthless; after being told you're welcome to be with us but only to a point; after you've been told terrible things, it has started to sound like the abuse victim who remains in a relationship because "it really isn't all that bad." Or, "this is my home, where else would I go?" We counsel people to leave abusive relationships and make a new start. I'm suggesting that perhaps it is time to consider making a new start. The conversation about marriage and ordination of LBGTQ people has gone on long enough. The arguments against it are the same ones that were made in order to keep women and people of color from full inclusion in the life of the Church. Jesus did indeed say that there was an appropriate time to "shake the dust of your sandals" and move on. Perhaps it is time for us to get shaking and become the community in which EVERYONE can fully participate and are welcome - because they are truly, fully loved. I lift this thought in love as one possible way forward. Anything else seems less than Christian.

The point is...

Sunday: December 27, 2015 Horses got out this morning. I was on my way to church. A congregation of about 13 people. About 6 appeared this morning. It was very similar to Christmas Eve when only 6 of us attended plus the family of four of our organist. It wasn't the end of the world but I keep wondering - focus on church, or on the farm? That is the question. Well, the farm would be doable except that Dave and I are both feeling like we should be wrapping things up, not trying to turn it into a financial success. Fortunately, we have leased some of the land to 3 farmers who grow produce and support CSAs and sell their wares at various farm markets. They are doing what we thought of doing. We also through of establishing a refuge, rescue center for people and animals. That didn't go quite as planned either. But we're hanging in there. We have the 3 horses; Zeus, and sisters Kentucky Rain and Cherry. Here's what I didn't think about when we brought them to live with us. Kentucky and Cherry came in 2010 and were 7 and 8 years old. Zeus came in 2011 or 12 at age 4. Guess what? Horses live until about 25, 30 years old. I will be 86 in 30 years. Dave will be???? So, even as we enjoy them we have to start thinking about their futures. And then there are the pigs. The pigs. Clare who is our 3000 pound pet. And Cinnamon - also a pet. And Bernie and Lil' Spot who make adorable babies. Who grow up. Who need to be fed. Time to reconsider... time to figure out the next round.

Some more random thoughts for 6/24/14

I arrived home about an hour ago from getting my hair done.  It always looks so nice when Leah is finished.  It NEVER looks as nice as when I work on it myself.  Oh well, that's true for a number of people so it's not like it has to be a big issue.  But I want to look put together and professional.  When one of your foster kids compliments you after a visit to the salon by saying, "Now we don't have to be embarrassed when we go out with you,"  you know it's more than just a bad hair day.  That was a genuine comment made a couple of years ago.  It reminded me of being embarrassed by my mom & dad when I was younger although it was more often the case with mom.  From what I know most of us are embarrassed by our parents but it was usually short lived because I didn't want people laughing about or commenting on my parents.  It made me feel sad.   They were older (38) when I was adopted.  That made them rank (at least in years and experience) ahead of pretty much all my friends' parents.  And yes, Mom was overweight.  It definitely stemmed from emotional stuff that she preferred not to deal with but you can't ignore the issues.  They find ways to make themselves known.  Overeating, mood swings, crying jags.  Of course one can experience these as a result of chemical or biological imbalances and life issues are very complex but ignoring the wound inside is generally going to cost something. Because of Mom's issues around eating and almost everyone we ever knew was on a diet, I am aware that my own self-image has suffered.  I look back at pictures of myself, my younger self and wonder why I was so hard-hearted toward me.  There are the pictures that no one would deny aren't flattering but overall, there were as many nice shots of me as not.  But the inner critic wouldn't let me alone.  I was ugly, I was too heavy, it didn't matter what, I could brush off any compliment in record time. 

Now - in my 50's I am really trying to be a lot kinder to myself.  And I do look good in the stylists' chair.  But not only then. 

Small dog goes after something.  Our dog Pansy, the smallest creature in the house things she is a hunter.  Anything that catches her attention sends her into fits of anticipation as she jumps up and down trying to get my attention.  We had already taken our morning walk, successfully when she started the attention dance trying to get me to take her out again.  I did.  Yes, she runs things.  She headed straight for the line of evergreen trees several hundred feet from the house and became frenzied.  For the life of me, I couldn't see anything but she was onto something.  While trying to separate the tightly knit branches of the tree, I heard a hiss.  That did not sound safe.  I manuevered around - on my knees - in my pajamas mind you, trying to see what was making her crazy.  And then I saw brown fur and dark eyes.  It was a baby woodchuck.  Not a newborn but young enough.  Maybe his mom left him there for protection.  Maybe he got lost and found sanctuary.  At this point, this was as far from sanctuary like as it could get but he hung in there and I quickly pulled her away.  (That heavens  I put her on the leash.)  We went back to the house and had breakfast. 

A number of wood chucks make their home on our property.  Another woodchuck story later. 

Spiritual Discipline

It's funny how people pray for things they think they want and then when they get them realize that maybe they didn't want it so much.  Ok, not they - me.  But it's a not uncommon phenomenon.  For my whole life I've wanted a farm. I never thought it would happen that I would own a farm complete with farm animals.  But it happened and for the past 4 years Dave & I have been working on getting the farm back in prime condition.  It's a tough job....a long term project. 
However, what I have come to realize is that the farm is also an answer to prayer, the prayer for spiritual discipline.  Boy - be careful what you pray for.  It has taken a while but I now realize that by having the farm, I am working on my spiritual life at a deep level.  I have come to the point where I find it difficult to keep up with some of the work but it's occurred to me that that's the point.   It's not easy to stay focused and committed to things that take great responsibility and aren't always fun but it's necessary and important. 
So, while my writing discipline still isn't to the level I would like it to be, I realize that I am working on the issue of discipline and focused commitment in the ongoing care of our animals and farm. 
Ok - it's late and I need to go to sleep but I wrote what I needed to. 
Maybe more will come tomorrow.  Or Friday - or sooner or later. 

Sediment in the System

Dave had to work on the tractor the other day and as he finished up, he got some sediment into another part of the tractor - not sure what it's called.   By his exclamation it was apparent that this was not a good thing.   That got me thinking.  We get sediment in our systems and don't run the way we were made to.  Physically our cholesterol gets to clogging our arteries, inflammation affects our functions and sometimes cell existence goes awry.  Mentally and emotionally we also get sediment in the system.  Negative energy, toxic relationships, obstacles which challenge us to our limits are all types of sediments that interfere with smooth sailing.  But we can't avoid it.  The good and the bad are all part of the picture. 
I've been very mindful of the emotional/mental sediment and how it's interfering with my best self.    Therapy and medication are tools I use to keep the system running smoothly but over the last year life has been running like an engine using the wrong fuel.  There are biological reasons for this and ''just because" reasons....It's made it tough to keep on keeping on around here.  I keep myself busy so that my thoughts don't overtake me but it's a crapshoot.  Sometimes the physical work works, sometimes not so much. 
And the thing is, it's affected my relationship with the farm...with the animals.  It's been hard having to take care of the animals.  These days - except for caring for my grandson, the only thing  - person - I want to be responsible for is me.... I've loved animals since I can remember but the drain of having to care for them has become an obstacle to overcome.  It's not fair to Dave who works so hard around here and has grown to love our fur babies.  I still love them but because of whatever it is that keeps me off kilter - I want to say good-bye to them and find them another good home. 
But having them keeps me going....keeps me getting up in the morning because I'm not going to let them suffer.  The dogs and cats as well....but they are such loves, how could I say good-bye, really?

Listening to Garrison Keillor - A Prairie Home Companion...I live in my own Lake Woebegone...if only it were that easy - just to say Woe- Be Gone and the black cloud would dissipate into little fluffs.  But it's just another day on the farm...the end of the day and the animals ar settled for the night and I am ready to surrender to sleep.  And then tomorrow I'll wake up again and take care of the animals and they will be alright.  And I'll be alright....the sediment will get shaken out evetually.