I have a wealth of material hidden in the mine of my mind.  Well, some of it is not so hidden but hope I don't pass up any possible nuggets which could then be pressed into gems.

Anyway - it's funny how, years after the fact, a conversation, event or memory can boomerang you right back to the first time you experienced that moment.  It seems - at least for me - that no matter how much therapy, reflection, attempts at letting go, evolving or any other related effort I engage in, I can still feel 7 or 9 or 11 years old in a nano-second.  Grown up me is fully well aware of the passage of time but it seems that those early imprinted experiences never actually dissipate or disappear. (Redundant, perhaps but a tried and true writing device to MAKE A SERIOUS POINT.)   They just fade into the background until that moment in the present when any number of factors - so numerous that one cannot really keep count - triggers the past and while it's not Back To The Future all over again, it's The Past Is Baaaccck. Sometimes it hits hard. Other times it's more like a stealth weapon, creeping up sooooo sloooowly that when it is revealed, I'm completely bowled over...(boring phrase), knocked for a loop, left speechless, (ok, now that is hyperbole) and I'm not sure what to do, if anything.  Do I do nothing?  Well, I could argue that I am constitutionally incapable of doing nothing but that doesn't really fly with those who know me.  Of course my life seems to have been one, ongoing lesson in how to let things go, but I don't seem to have quite gotten it down.

Life, here on the farm certainly offers me numerous opportunities; the unexpected death of an animal, whether or not a pet, has an impact and I sorrow at the loss but it is so much a part of this life; the weather certainly cannot be controlled and while we haven't experienced the loss this year that our farmer friends and neighbors have (mainly because we haven't reached their level of production) we do have to take  weather events into consideration when trying to plan for planting, reaping, sowing, harvesting; all the vagaries of the uncontrollable just have to be acknowledged and accepted otherwise one would go "quite mad" in the attempt to deal with it all.  Then there are the personal circumstances that also leave me at a loss....

I come from a place which has left me wanting to explain, to be understood, to communicate, to work things out as best as possible to that it's always a win-win situation.  Guess what I have to let go of.  But it hit me again - just prior to sitting down to write - that I still carry the hurts around - even though I've spent a life-time working on healing.  Now, this isn't to say I haven't experienced some healing and moved forward but it is a reminder of how deep the scars can remain when they aren't attended to - whether because of ignorance, inability, or whatever other reason that might keep one in the wounded rather than the healed place.  Even as I prepare to go on the XC bike ride next year, I am still held captive at some level by the memories of things people said or did that were hurtful.  Whether or not it was intended...hurt happened.  And yes, it's 5 years later - just like it's 40 years later from my 12 birthday - but some of the poison still seems to remain within.  It even affects my relationships. Damn.  That's bad.  As our 16 year old posted recently - it's hard to know when to walk away and when to try harder.  And then I shared my wisdom, accumulated over lo, these many years of how it's not necessarily about trying harder - but trying smarter.  She wasn't sure what that meant....so I explained. It's like the fly who keeps slamming himself against the screen to get out of the house when all he had to do was turn around and fly out the open door.  (At that point my 30 year old UNHELPFULLY pointed out that maybe it was better he was stuck inside - what if a bird had been waiting outside and ate him...thanks J.  J also is one of those people who wears a t-shirt that says, "the light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.)

So, how do I "try smarter" to let go of things that reek of injustice, unfairness (in relationships - not the "life isn't fair" kind of unfairness), mean and hurtfulness of others...Yes, as I've been told, consider the source.  Yes, if it's nothing I can do anything about - let it go...But what I realized earlier is that letting go happens over time, and the hole where the hurt was now needs to be filled with something else...self-love, love of others, good things...things which reinforce that healing has taken place and I'm not 6 or 11 or 15 anymore....God, I KNOW this...but even out of the blue I can find myself needing - needing to attempt to set things right - between people....between myself and others...family and friends.  Yikes....well, no answers are forthcoming at the moment...but who knows?

Wait - an answer did arise out of the moment - Grace....God's healing grace.  However one understands the terms "God," and "Grace" I heard an answer earlier today as I was reading about Grace...how sweet the sound....